Here it is. Another Christmas eve and it seems that my celebrations might be a bit delayed this year. Ran into a bit of bother on exiting Ushuaia after my Antarctic adventures. It’s a long story so let me back up a bit.
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USHUAIA, ARGENTINA
By chance encounter I ran into Santa Claus a few days ago near the South Pole. Seems he fell victim to some climate alarmism misinformation. Someone had told him of the Big Melt up in el Norte which saw his workshop sink into the Arctic Ocean. All his elves have drowned!! Bummer!!
So he was frantically trying to prepare for Christmas at his new location at the South Pole. He needed to replace his departed elves with new helpers. I volunteered to help Rudolph navigate his unfamiliar northern journey on Christmas eve. (Hey! I was once responsible for every gyroscope in the Royal Canadian Navy. Never let it be said that I gave anyone a bum steer!)
Everything seemed to be in order. Since there are no mammals in the Antarctic (and none are allowed), I offered to assemble a team of reindeer at his first northern chokepoint here in Ushuaia. That’s my problem.
Who knew it was a violation of Argentinian law to import reindeer into the Tierra del Fuego National Park? Who knew?? Bet Magellan never had this problem! I’m going to speak to Milei about this!!
Rudolph is currently in quarantine!
So I’m in bit of legal bother. I’m out on bail awaiting trial. Having made two transits of the dreaded Drake Passage, I feel I have enough street cred to hang out with old-time sailor men to pass the time and improve my Spanish. Most of it picked up watching “The Cisco Kid.” Two guys in tight pants and a committed relationship riding around old Mexico shooting up bad guys. What was not to like?? (“Ah Cisco,… ah Pancho!”). Mexico could sure use them today!! It’s about time someone took out the drug cartels!
(If Darwin served rum as good as this on the Beagle I’d have signed up for that expedition too!)
At my preliminary hearing, the judge said that upon conviction I was liable to ten years hard labour at Argentina’s old penal colony here in Ushuaia.
Having spent two summers working for CN Railways, I think I could fit in quite nicely. The sartorial style however leaves something to be desired. Hopefully it won’t come to that.
Of course if Santa doesn’t make the rendez-vous, at least through prison bars I can glimpse another bucket list triumph. Namely, to see three ships come sailing in on Christmas day in the morning!!
USHUAIA HARBOUR
Not giving up hope however. Worried by my continued absence, my neighbour’s precocious trilingual 4 year old back home sent me some words of encouragement yesterday promising me many Christmas treats. My best Christmas present so far!!
MUCHAS GRACIAS!!
(Ah the optimism of youth!! GEE, I HOPE HE’S RIGHT!!)
The final trick up my sleeve is the belief that Santa must make a stop here in Ushuaia to pickup his misplaced hat. If he can’t bust me out of here, no one can!! So if I’m with him tonight you can forget that cookies and milk nonsense. For me it’s a glass of Chateau la Tour ’48 and big hunk of stilton. If Santa doesn’t fill your stocking, don’t say you weren’t warned.
DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA!
Nothing left to do but wish all you folks up in el Norte a very Merry Christmas. However not wishing to offend my progressive betters with the traditional greeting, this year its in Spanish. Not just from the bottom of my heart. But this year, FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE WORLD!!
FELIZ NAVIDAD!!
DEL FIN DEL MUNDO!!
PROSPERO ANNO E FELICITA!!
Take it away Jose! Can’t say it any better!!
(Turn up the volume!)